Texan humor...

Related humor - You know you're a redneck if...

A Texan dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that the Texan is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the Texan and asks why he's so happy. The Texan says, "I like it here. The temperature is just like Texas in June. The Devil isn't happy with the Texan's answer and decides to get him, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90%. After turning everything up he goes looking for the Texan. He finds him standing around unbuttoning his shirt, just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the Texan again as to why he's so happy. The Texan says, "This is even better. It's like Texas in July." The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the Texan really suffer. He goes over to the controls and turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100%. "Now lets see what the Texan is up to," he says. So he goes looking for the Texan. He finds him taking his shirt off, even happier then before. The Devil can't figure it out. He asks the Texan why he's happy now. The Texan replies, "This is great, it's just like Texas in August." The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this guy." He goes over and turns the temperature down to a freezing 25 degrees. "Let's see what the Texan has to say about this." The Devil looks around and finds the Texan jumping up and down for joy and yelling.....

"THE RANGERS HAVE FINALLY WON THE WORLD SERIES!"

A woman from Texas and a woman from New York meet at a party. The woman from Texas said to the woman from New York, "Hi! Where y'all from?" The woman from New York replies, "Where I come from we don't end our sentences with prepositions." So, the woman from Texas says, "Fine!  Where y'all from, bitch?!"

A few minutes later, the woman from New York meets the woman from Texas' husband. She's steamed at the Texas broad, so she asks, in a very suggestive voice, "Is there anything I can do for you, handsome?" "Welllll," replies the Texan, "I sure could use a piece of ass." The woman from New York nods, takes the Texan into the bedroom, takes off all of her clothes, takes off all of his clothes, and engages in a hot session of mad passionate lovemaking with him. After they are done, she again says suggestively, "Now, handsome, is there anything else I can do for you?"  "Well, ma'am," he replies, "I could still use that piece of ass for my drink." 

Things You'll Never Hear a Redneck Say:

We don't keep firearms in this house.

Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?

You can't feed that to the dog.

I thought Graceland was tacky.

No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.

Wrasslin is fake.

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

We're vegetarians.

Do you think my hair is too big?

I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.

Who's Richard Petty?

Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

Deer heads detract from the decor.

Spitting is such a nasty habit.

I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

Trim the fat off that steak.

Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

The tires on that truck are too big.

I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

I've got it all on a floppy disk.

Unsweetened tea tastes better.

Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

Checkmate.

She's too old to be wearing that bikini.

Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

I don't have a favorite college team.

I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

Elvis who?

Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

 

EAST TEXAS RULES OF ETIQUETTE

DINING OUT

- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.   - If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

DATING (Outside the Family)

- Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."

- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

- Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

- Kissing the bride for more than 10 seconds may get you shot.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

- Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

- Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

- Never take a beer to a job interview.

- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

 

Redneck Family Tree

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,

I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

 

This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red.

My father fell in love with her,   And soon the two were wed.

 

This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother,   For she was my father's wife.

 

To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy,

I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.

 

My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.

 

For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother

To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.

 

Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.

 

My wife is now my mother's mother   And it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandmother too.

 

If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

 

For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!

In a small Texas town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.  Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar."

The following are actual quotes from (actual) Texas politicians:

"Your speech was just wonderful. It was absolutely superfluous!" Congressman [Frank] Karsten, a little taken aback said, "Thank you. I guess I will have to have it published -- posthumously." Thereupon the lady answered, "That's fine. I hope it will be soon."

"It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket." - Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury

"Lemme give ya' a hypothetic." - Texas Rep. Renal Rosson

"Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos." - Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower

"And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?" - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs

"Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one." - A. C. Greene

"No thanks, once was enough." - Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he had been born again

"Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant." - Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish

"I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot." - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced.

"Well, there never was a Bible in the room." - Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal.

"I am filled with humidity." - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

"If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head." - Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush's policies

"If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier to listen..." - Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower

"I move we recess to go outside and throw up." - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing

"This is a real competitive business." - A gas station owner, when asked to explain the rapid rise in gasoline prices when Kuwait was invaded

"...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..." - Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote

"It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn." - Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton

"Let's do this in one foul sweep." - Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton

"This is unparalyzed in the state's history." - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session." - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

"There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind." - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

"I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you." - Anon.

"There are still places where people think that the function of the media is to provide information." - Don Rottenberg

"Which one is that?" "I just voted the way my wife told me to; she knew what it was." - Texas gubernatorial candidate Clayton Williams, when asked how he had voted on the only proposition on the Texas ballot

"If you want to hide something from Jack Gremillion, put it in a law book!" - Louisiana governor Earl Long putting the badmouth on his attorney general Jack P.F. Gremillion

 

  Former Texas Governor Ross Sterling (about 80 years ago) inadvertently left his deer rifle in his office at the State Capitol. When he discovered the error, he called his administrative assistant, Pat Daugherty, long distance to make sure Daugherty found the rifle and brought it to the ranch. But when Sterling placed the call, there was so much static on the rural line that he and Daugherty could hardly hear each other.   Sterling kept saying, "Pat, this is the Governor. The Governor! When you come to the ranch tomorrow, bring my gun. It's at the Capitol" And Daugherty would say, "What? What? Who is this?" Exasperated, Sterling would repeat the request, talking slowly and loudly into the receiver, but Daugherty could hear only part of what he was saying. Over and over, Daugherty would say, "Hello! We have a bad connection. What do you want?" Finally Sterling became exasperated and -- according to Ferguson -- reverted to his old, country self. He lost his temper and shouted, "Pat, now you listen to me! And write this down! This is the GOVERNOR. When you come to the ranch tomorrow, BRING MY GUN. G-U-N. G as in Jesus, 'U' as in onion, and 'N' as in pneumonia! Gun, dammit!"

A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Texan were discussing love-making.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife five times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once." he replied. "Only once?!" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

 

  A Texan hailed a cab at JFK airport. As the cab heads to the City, the Texan commenced braging to the driver, an elderly Jewish guy.   "Son, I got a right-fine Texas ranch. Ah gets in mah car at first light and I drive all day and know what? Ah don't get to the other side of mah ranch until dusk." The cab driver looked at him in the mirror and said,  " Yeah, I know how that is. I used to have a car like that, myself."